I hate holidays...for valid reasons! Part 2

Well, Christmas has passed and every reason I have ever hated the holidays happened once more.

It's no secret my dad and I despise each other. He spent most of my childhood making it known how ashamed he was to have a disabled child and I have spent most of my adulthood getting back at him. He said I would never play sports or graduate high school. I was on my high school's first women's soccer team and I graduated not only high school, but he said I was too dumb to go to college, so I graduated there 3 times! Everything he ever said to me or anyone else that I would never do I have and then some, so you think he would have given up picking on me a long time ago. Nope.

My dad remarried in 1998 to a woman with a large, wonderful family. They have always had large family gatherings for the holidays and early on I was invited. But as time wore on, my invitations came in less often. Sometimes it would be one or two holidays but not others. This past year? Not one.

I know, let it go, right? Sure, I could do that, except the fact that my daughter got an invitation and I didn't (and we live in the same household) was not the only issue. My dad came all the way out here to pick her up and she came in with a paper sack with my name on it...obviously a gift. I took it and walked it out to his truck and said I wasn't accepting gifts this year. He said "Ok, no problem!" with one of his cheesy smiles, took it and put it in his backseat. But when he brought my daughter home, she came in with it again with the message "He said do with it what you want". I did. I put it in the trash bin outside.

Here's my issue. If you're going to ignore me all year, not so much as send me an email (my step mom used to email me, even if it was just forwards, but I hadn't received one even from her all year) to check up on me, then DO NOT bother giving me a gift! That's not going to make up for your insensitivity and let's not forget bad mouthing about me to other family members!

That's not all. I got into fights, got violently sick and lost more sleep than I usually do.


And people wonder why I hate the holidays!

I hate holidays...for valid reasons! Part 1

People often ask me why I despise holidays. Well, it really goes far back, but I'll try to give the "Reader's Digest" version.

As a kid, my mom would decorate and bake for holidays like it was her last. I grew up in a tri-level; 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a huge living room and tv room. Not only were all of those rooms decorated, but for Christmas, the upstairs living room, downstairs tv room and my bedroom had large decorated trees!

From 1977 to 2003, we had a family group day care home. Most of the time we had between 12-16 kids from newborn to school ages. So, needless to say, that is part of the reason for going all-out for holidays. The bigger part I believe was the prestige.

BUT, after the kids were gone for the day, when almost no one else was in the house, it was a completely different story.

Due to my health problems, I don't remember much about my childhood. But I remember the Christmas I was in 3rd grade I lay in my bed praying my parents would get a divorce. At the time my room was right next to theirs because I was sick so much. Every year the week before Christmas my mom would stay up for days baking. Every neighbor, day care family and a lot of the staff that worked at the nursing home my dad was administrator at would get a huge plate of baked goods. This was the case that year.
Down the hall I could hear my parents arguing. Then during the arguing I started hearing things crashing. Then doors slamming. Lastly, a car screeching up the street. I don't remember thinking much about it or even being that afraid. I do remember getting up and going into the kitchen and seeing the mess and my mom sitting on the floor in the kitchen crying.

Every year after that was pretty much the same. But after about 5th grade it wasn't just Christmas. Thanksgiving had the same mayhem, even with family there for the holiday! Sadly though, it became a joke; "I wonder what's gonna fly this year", or "You can guarantee **** is going to get nasty about something".

My mom used to say my dad hated holidays so he wanted to make sure everyone else was miserable. My dad used to say my mom was always too drunk. I would just say they hated each other so I wish one would leave. I would literally pray for it! The only reason I liked the holidays as a kid was not just for the presents (sometimes I would hate the way things were I'd throw them away!), but because it was usually the only time I got to see my two sisters who were much older than me together.

Like I said, I would pray that one would leave. Sometimes things were so bad I would even pray one would die. But I was a kid! Then the Christmas of 1999 when my kids were 10 and 9, I was asleep in my mom's bed (because she spent most of her last 10 years sleeping on the couch downstairs) when I heard moaning. I'm a sound sleeper, but it woke me up and I walked out of the room to find my mom laying half in the master bathroom and half in the hallway. She had a heart attack and couldn't move her legs. My sister had left my nephew to spend a few days with us, so I had him stay with my kids and I followed the ambulance in my mom's car to the hospital. The whole way there I felt horrible. It was actually a good Christmas that year (my dad had been kicked out 2 years before) but I was already angry and hateful toward any holiday.

My mom died the next year.


Not once since have I prayed for anyone to die. I have even been in a very bad relationship where one of his family members did almost kill me! It's been 10 years since my mom was alive. I miss her massive decorating creations, the scent of her various cookies and pies and the way she would outdo herself cooking holiday meals or present shopping. I miss hearing her sewing machine above me (later in life I took one of the bedrooms downstairs, then again upstairs when my kids were born) or all the noises she would make when she was wrapping presents. I don't have much left of her. Not even my sisters or my nephews for some unknown reason. The only thing I have left to remind me of her creativeness around the holidays is a huge ceramic village that lights up that she and I painted in 1980-1.Some of her handmade tree ornaments too.


Like I said, this is the "Reader's Digest" version. Obviously there's a lot more than I care to share. Since my mom's death, I have spent several Thanksgiving's at my dad and step-mom's. The only person that ever spoke to me was my step mom and a few of my step family. So, it really wasn't all that great still. 


But today, Thanksgiving, someone showed me it doesn't take a large family gathering and a table with lots of food to be happy. He showed me that being happy on a holiday isn't that hard. We laughed, joked, played music and not once did I feel unwanted or on the verge of tears like most of the previous 40 Thanksgivings of my life.


So, many people have asked me what I'm thankful for. Up until now I didn't answer because, well...I was bitter. However, now I have an answer! I am thankful that despite a few health problems here or there, I am alive! I am thankful for friends that look beyond all my faults and still want to be in my life. Most importantly, I am thankful for two people; my daughter and Aric. They each put up with me, laugh with me (sometimes even help me laugh at myself) and love me despite my moodiness and lack of confidence. They are like this all the time, but today meant more than any other day.