I don't get it. I open my heart and soul to people and I get accused of being someone I'm not. I want so #&%# badly to get along with someone and I'm told I hate them when they are the ones bad-mouthing me!?
My therapist told me many times I try too hard. So when is it enough? When do I back off? What if I want them to like (love?) me so much that it scares them off? It hurts that younger people that haven't come near as far in life as I have are considered better than I am. It's not that I want this to be a competition, but that's what they have made it!
My heart is shattered. Crushed, melted and turned into stone. I'm tired of defending myself because no one else will. I'm tired of trying to prove myself over and over and it gets me nowhere.
Loving people is a dangerous business. It gets you nowhere but alone and lonely. This is why I hate any holidays because it reminds me of how horrible people really are. Even the greatest people in your life have their secrets and will leave you abandoned. Oh they come back to you. When it's convenient and necessary. You can love them til your heart has nothing left, but they won't have the ability to love you back in the same way.
I did what I could. I didn't lie, cheat, steal or murder. I didn't belittle or make things up. I was accused of talking about other people I didn't. I was accused of saying I hated people when I didn't. However I did say THEY hate me. So it's ok for the other people to say that but I can't? HUH?
Point is, I will always be the loser. I will never be liked no matter what. I could have thousands or millions of dollars, drive nice cars, have both houses looking brand new and everyone is fine. She could know my relationship with her son is damned near perfect but she will still consider me no good. I can't help it I'm sick all the time. If only she knew! But why punish me for it??
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
The head is connected to the...neck bones
For over a week now I've had a serious pain in the neck. I'm not just talking about Aric and Angellica. A real can't get comfortable, almost making me cry pain in the neck. I've tried the icy hot stuff, heating pads and just plain resting my head. Nothing works. I can't take showers too hot because of my Psoriasis (hot showers in the winter aren't good for anyone anyway) and getting to sleep is becoming more difficult.
It's on the opposite side of my shunt, so I can't blame that. I don't think it's the pillows or the waterbed because the pain is different than waking up with a sore neck from sleeping wrong. If it was from sleeping wrong usually that only lasts a day or two, this has been over a week! Maybe I'm just a worry wart but it's really beginning to worry me!
In twenty days I'll have my hysterectomy. I'd hate to have pain from that and a pain in my neck! My neck is already making me grouchy then to top it off with a major surgery (yes, I decided to have my ovaries removed) will undoubtedly make me someone no one will want to be around. Hell, I can be like that without all the pain!
It's on the opposite side of my shunt, so I can't blame that. I don't think it's the pillows or the waterbed because the pain is different than waking up with a sore neck from sleeping wrong. If it was from sleeping wrong usually that only lasts a day or two, this has been over a week! Maybe I'm just a worry wart but it's really beginning to worry me!
In twenty days I'll have my hysterectomy. I'd hate to have pain from that and a pain in my neck! My neck is already making me grouchy then to top it off with a major surgery (yes, I decided to have my ovaries removed) will undoubtedly make me someone no one will want to be around. Hell, I can be like that without all the pain!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Where is my family?
I don't get it.
10.5 years ago my mother passed away. That was pretty much the last time I saw my sisters and nephews...and I don't know why!
It's official; February 3 is my 46th surgery...a hysterectomy. I'm not afraid of surgery, obviously, but there are risks. BIG ones. At least half of my surgeries were in my abdomen so there is massive scaring. Plus I don't handle anesthesia well anymore.
Today I saw my gynecologist and we discussed the surgery, which made it much more real. All day I've been thinking about how my mother died. It's a story I will tell at another time, but her death was actually pretty ugly. It was related to the stuff I've been dealing with for 8 years or more. But while thinking about that, I got to thinking about my sisters and nephews. Why aren't they speaking to me? I've asked one nephew but he won't tell me. He was my favorite too!
I love my life now, don't get me wrong, but I miss my biological family. My father is a loss..in so many ways, so it would be nice to be able to talk to my sisters. I think about them all the time and I know they are on facebook, but they won't answer my messages. What's the deal?
I HATE not having answers to things, especially when people won't talk to me! People have told me to just let it go, forget about it, but how can I? They're family! I have so many good memories (a lot on home videos!) with all of them, but I don't know why they are silent! Several people have told me the same thing happened to them when a family member died. That doesn't help. I just didn't think my family would be like this! If I did something, I would just like to know what...and if it's possible to fix it!
I'm very fortunate to have Aric and Angellica. My life is so good I wish I could share it with the rest of my family!
Oh, and this includes my son, but that's a story for another time!
Am I really that horrible?
10.5 years ago my mother passed away. That was pretty much the last time I saw my sisters and nephews...and I don't know why!
It's official; February 3 is my 46th surgery...a hysterectomy. I'm not afraid of surgery, obviously, but there are risks. BIG ones. At least half of my surgeries were in my abdomen so there is massive scaring. Plus I don't handle anesthesia well anymore.
Today I saw my gynecologist and we discussed the surgery, which made it much more real. All day I've been thinking about how my mother died. It's a story I will tell at another time, but her death was actually pretty ugly. It was related to the stuff I've been dealing with for 8 years or more. But while thinking about that, I got to thinking about my sisters and nephews. Why aren't they speaking to me? I've asked one nephew but he won't tell me. He was my favorite too!
I love my life now, don't get me wrong, but I miss my biological family. My father is a loss..in so many ways, so it would be nice to be able to talk to my sisters. I think about them all the time and I know they are on facebook, but they won't answer my messages. What's the deal?
I HATE not having answers to things, especially when people won't talk to me! People have told me to just let it go, forget about it, but how can I? They're family! I have so many good memories (a lot on home videos!) with all of them, but I don't know why they are silent! Several people have told me the same thing happened to them when a family member died. That doesn't help. I just didn't think my family would be like this! If I did something, I would just like to know what...and if it's possible to fix it!
I'm very fortunate to have Aric and Angellica. My life is so good I wish I could share it with the rest of my family!
Oh, and this includes my son, but that's a story for another time!
Am I really that horrible?
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I hate holidays...for valid reasons! Part 2
Well, Christmas has passed and every reason I have ever hated the holidays happened once more.
It's no secret my dad and I despise each other. He spent most of my childhood making it known how ashamed he was to have a disabled child and I have spent most of my adulthood getting back at him. He said I would never play sports or graduate high school. I was on my high school's first women's soccer team and I graduated not only high school, but he said I was too dumb to go to college, so I graduated there 3 times! Everything he ever said to me or anyone else that I would never do I have and then some, so you think he would have given up picking on me a long time ago. Nope.
My dad remarried in 1998 to a woman with a large, wonderful family. They have always had large family gatherings for the holidays and early on I was invited. But as time wore on, my invitations came in less often. Sometimes it would be one or two holidays but not others. This past year? Not one.
I know, let it go, right? Sure, I could do that, except the fact that my daughter got an invitation and I didn't (and we live in the same household) was not the only issue. My dad came all the way out here to pick her up and she came in with a paper sack with my name on it...obviously a gift. I took it and walked it out to his truck and said I wasn't accepting gifts this year. He said "Ok, no problem!" with one of his cheesy smiles, took it and put it in his backseat. But when he brought my daughter home, she came in with it again with the message "He said do with it what you want". I did. I put it in the trash bin outside.
That's not all. I got into fights, got violently sick and lost more sleep than I usually do.
And people wonder why I hate the holidays!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
I hate holidays...for valid reasons! Part 1
People often ask me why I despise holidays. Well, it really goes far back, but I'll try to give the "Reader's Digest" version.
As a kid, my mom would decorate and bake for holidays like it was her last. I grew up in a tri-level; 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a huge living room and tv room. Not only were all of those rooms decorated, but for Christmas, the upstairs living room, downstairs tv room and my bedroom had large decorated trees!
From 1977 to 2003, we had a family group day care home. Most of the time we had between 12-16 kids from newborn to school ages. So, needless to say, that is part of the reason for going all-out for holidays. The bigger part I believe was the prestige.
BUT, after the kids were gone for the day, when almost no one else was in the house, it was a completely different story.
Due to my health problems, I don't remember much about my childhood. But I remember the Christmas I was in 3rd grade I lay in my bed praying my parents would get a divorce. At the time my room was right next to theirs because I was sick so much. Every year the week before Christmas my mom would stay up for days baking. Every neighbor, day care family and a lot of the staff that worked at the nursing home my dad was administrator at would get a huge plate of baked goods. This was the case that year.
Down the hall I could hear my parents arguing. Then during the arguing I started hearing things crashing. Then doors slamming. Lastly, a car screeching up the street. I don't remember thinking much about it or even being that afraid. I do remember getting up and going into the kitchen and seeing the mess and my mom sitting on the floor in the kitchen crying.
Every year after that was pretty much the same. But after about 5th grade it wasn't just Christmas. Thanksgiving had the same mayhem, even with family there for the holiday! Sadly though, it became a joke; "I wonder what's gonna fly this year", or "You can guarantee **** is going to get nasty about something".
My mom used to say my dad hated holidays so he wanted to make sure everyone else was miserable. My dad used to say my mom was always too drunk. I would just say they hated each other so I wish one would leave. I would literally pray for it! The only reason I liked the holidays as a kid was not just for the presents (sometimes I would hate the way things were I'd throw them away!), but because it was usually the only time I got to see my two sisters who were much older than me together.
Like I said, I would pray that one would leave. Sometimes things were so bad I would even pray one would die. But I was a kid! Then the Christmas of 1999 when my kids were 10 and 9, I was asleep in my mom's bed (because she spent most of her last 10 years sleeping on the couch downstairs) when I heard moaning. I'm a sound sleeper, but it woke me up and I walked out of the room to find my mom laying half in the master bathroom and half in the hallway. She had a heart attack and couldn't move her legs. My sister had left my nephew to spend a few days with us, so I had him stay with my kids and I followed the ambulance in my mom's car to the hospital. The whole way there I felt horrible. It was actually a good Christmas that year (my dad had been kicked out 2 years before) but I was already angry and hateful toward any holiday.
My mom died the next year.
Not once since have I prayed for anyone to die. I have even been in a very bad relationship where one of his family members did almost kill me! It's been 10 years since my mom was alive. I miss her massive decorating creations, the scent of her various cookies and pies and the way she would outdo herself cooking holiday meals or present shopping. I miss hearing her sewing machine above me (later in life I took one of the bedrooms downstairs, then again upstairs when my kids were born) or all the noises she would make when she was wrapping presents. I don't have much left of her. Not even my sisters or my nephews for some unknown reason. The only thing I have left to remind me of her creativeness around the holidays is a huge ceramic village that lights up that she and I painted in 1980-1.Some of her handmade tree ornaments too.
Like I said, this is the "Reader's Digest" version. Obviously there's a lot more than I care to share. Since my mom's death, I have spent several Thanksgiving's at my dad and step-mom's. The only person that ever spoke to me was my step mom and a few of my step family. So, it really wasn't all that great still.
But today, Thanksgiving, someone showed me it doesn't take a large family gathering and a table with lots of food to be happy. He showed me that being happy on a holiday isn't that hard. We laughed, joked, played music and not once did I feel unwanted or on the verge of tears like most of the previous 40 Thanksgivings of my life.
So, many people have asked me what I'm thankful for. Up until now I didn't answer because, well...I was bitter. However, now I have an answer! I am thankful that despite a few health problems here or there, I am alive! I am thankful for friends that look beyond all my faults and still want to be in my life. Most importantly, I am thankful for two people; my daughter and Aric. They each put up with me, laugh with me (sometimes even help me laugh at myself) and love me despite my moodiness and lack of confidence. They are like this all the time, but today meant more than any other day.
As a kid, my mom would decorate and bake for holidays like it was her last. I grew up in a tri-level; 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a huge living room and tv room. Not only were all of those rooms decorated, but for Christmas, the upstairs living room, downstairs tv room and my bedroom had large decorated trees!
From 1977 to 2003, we had a family group day care home. Most of the time we had between 12-16 kids from newborn to school ages. So, needless to say, that is part of the reason for going all-out for holidays. The bigger part I believe was the prestige.
BUT, after the kids were gone for the day, when almost no one else was in the house, it was a completely different story.
Due to my health problems, I don't remember much about my childhood. But I remember the Christmas I was in 3rd grade I lay in my bed praying my parents would get a divorce. At the time my room was right next to theirs because I was sick so much. Every year the week before Christmas my mom would stay up for days baking. Every neighbor, day care family and a lot of the staff that worked at the nursing home my dad was administrator at would get a huge plate of baked goods. This was the case that year.
Down the hall I could hear my parents arguing. Then during the arguing I started hearing things crashing. Then doors slamming. Lastly, a car screeching up the street. I don't remember thinking much about it or even being that afraid. I do remember getting up and going into the kitchen and seeing the mess and my mom sitting on the floor in the kitchen crying.
Every year after that was pretty much the same. But after about 5th grade it wasn't just Christmas. Thanksgiving had the same mayhem, even with family there for the holiday! Sadly though, it became a joke; "I wonder what's gonna fly this year", or "You can guarantee **** is going to get nasty about something".
My mom used to say my dad hated holidays so he wanted to make sure everyone else was miserable. My dad used to say my mom was always too drunk. I would just say they hated each other so I wish one would leave. I would literally pray for it! The only reason I liked the holidays as a kid was not just for the presents (sometimes I would hate the way things were I'd throw them away!), but because it was usually the only time I got to see my two sisters who were much older than me together.
Like I said, I would pray that one would leave. Sometimes things were so bad I would even pray one would die. But I was a kid! Then the Christmas of 1999 when my kids were 10 and 9, I was asleep in my mom's bed (because she spent most of her last 10 years sleeping on the couch downstairs) when I heard moaning. I'm a sound sleeper, but it woke me up and I walked out of the room to find my mom laying half in the master bathroom and half in the hallway. She had a heart attack and couldn't move her legs. My sister had left my nephew to spend a few days with us, so I had him stay with my kids and I followed the ambulance in my mom's car to the hospital. The whole way there I felt horrible. It was actually a good Christmas that year (my dad had been kicked out 2 years before) but I was already angry and hateful toward any holiday.
My mom died the next year.
Not once since have I prayed for anyone to die. I have even been in a very bad relationship where one of his family members did almost kill me! It's been 10 years since my mom was alive. I miss her massive decorating creations, the scent of her various cookies and pies and the way she would outdo herself cooking holiday meals or present shopping. I miss hearing her sewing machine above me (later in life I took one of the bedrooms downstairs, then again upstairs when my kids were born) or all the noises she would make when she was wrapping presents. I don't have much left of her. Not even my sisters or my nephews for some unknown reason. The only thing I have left to remind me of her creativeness around the holidays is a huge ceramic village that lights up that she and I painted in 1980-1.Some of her handmade tree ornaments too.
Like I said, this is the "Reader's Digest" version. Obviously there's a lot more than I care to share. Since my mom's death, I have spent several Thanksgiving's at my dad and step-mom's. The only person that ever spoke to me was my step mom and a few of my step family. So, it really wasn't all that great still.
But today, Thanksgiving, someone showed me it doesn't take a large family gathering and a table with lots of food to be happy. He showed me that being happy on a holiday isn't that hard. We laughed, joked, played music and not once did I feel unwanted or on the verge of tears like most of the previous 40 Thanksgivings of my life.
So, many people have asked me what I'm thankful for. Up until now I didn't answer because, well...I was bitter. However, now I have an answer! I am thankful that despite a few health problems here or there, I am alive! I am thankful for friends that look beyond all my faults and still want to be in my life. Most importantly, I am thankful for two people; my daughter and Aric. They each put up with me, laugh with me (sometimes even help me laugh at myself) and love me despite my moodiness and lack of confidence. They are like this all the time, but today meant more than any other day.
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