I don't get it. I open my heart and soul to people and I get accused of being someone I'm not. I want so #&%# badly to get along with someone and I'm told I hate them when they are the ones bad-mouthing me!?
My therapist told me many times I try too hard. So when is it enough? When do I back off? What if I want them to like (love?) me so much that it scares them off? It hurts that younger people that haven't come near as far in life as I have are considered better than I am. It's not that I want this to be a competition, but that's what they have made it!
My heart is shattered. Crushed, melted and turned into stone. I'm tired of defending myself because no one else will. I'm tired of trying to prove myself over and over and it gets me nowhere.
Loving people is a dangerous business. It gets you nowhere but alone and lonely. This is why I hate any holidays because it reminds me of how horrible people really are. Even the greatest people in your life have their secrets and will leave you abandoned. Oh they come back to you. When it's convenient and necessary. You can love them til your heart has nothing left, but they won't have the ability to love you back in the same way.
I did what I could. I didn't lie, cheat, steal or murder. I didn't belittle or make things up. I was accused of talking about other people I didn't. I was accused of saying I hated people when I didn't. However I did say THEY hate me. So it's ok for the other people to say that but I can't? HUH?
Point is, I will always be the loser. I will never be liked no matter what. I could have thousands or millions of dollars, drive nice cars, have both houses looking brand new and everyone is fine. She could know my relationship with her son is damned near perfect but she will still consider me no good. I can't help it I'm sick all the time. If only she knew! But why punish me for it??
